Thursday, March 22, 2012

Good days and bad

Lately, I have found that my patience is wearing quite thin. I have talked to Grady before about the verse in the Bible James 1:19 "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." Well, I guess that was a good thing and a bad thing depending on the day. Some days, he says, "Mom, remember when it says you have to be slow to get angry in the Bible." Then of course I feel like the biggest pile of poop you can imagine on the floor, yet it also serves as a humbling reminder that he is right! I so wish that my sons could just love and appreciate each other as brothers and not antagonize or wrestle or constantly rev each other up every waking moment. I keep dreaming that I will wake up and things will be different tomorrow, and then tomorrow comes and I am right back where I was the day before, frustrated and tired! I had a lady this past week give me some advice after spending about 30 minutes with me and my boys for an evaluation for Davis. She said I should write out scripture and put it all over my house, i.e. bathroom mirror, back door window, kitchen sink, playroom door, the boys' doors and pray it all through the day. She said to pray over Davis every night for his strong will and his spirit. I found myself almost angry when she first suggested it thinking "I do not want to do that. He should just be able to behave!" Do you ever feel like you pray and pray and pray about all kinds of things and NOTHING happens. I have really been going through a valley just like that. Then, completely out of the blue, God looked down and said "Yep, she needs a pick me up!" He sent me a great blessing of joy in one area in a way I cannot share with words. God calls us to put Him as #1 in our lives. I would never need Him like I do right now if I wasn't dealing with the issues I am struggling through with the boys. They are such a blessing, yet the toughest job I have ever been given in my life. I still feel that the most difficult part for me most days is the fact that society as a whole is extremely judgmental. I am so tired of trying to take my boys to buy shoes, grocery shop, or eat at a restaurant and have people talking about them, especially Davis. I wish they could live a day in my shoes and know that it's not that I don't discipline or that I don't try to teach him the proper way to behave in public, or that he is an awful child. It's that sometimes because of who he is, he just CAN'T fit into the "norm" that society expects. I realize though that God wants me to be drawn to Him through this and not away. He wants scripture and prayer to be the tools I use to get me through the day, not anger and yelling. I know this will NOT be possible in my own strength but am praying that this week, I can take some time to focus on verses that He wants me to see and use them to help me have a better attitude of gratitude no matter the circumstances! I am truly reminded today that God's timing is NOT always our own and throughout our lives, we are called to have faith that the Lord is working on our behalf through all things good and bad. I mean after all, who couldn't love all this??
Dirt day in the yard followed by Davis insisting on trying on Grady's Halloween costume from when he was 21 months old! Absolutely hilarious but pretty much sums up my life!

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